Java Zen:Thinking Out Loud Friday, 2017.12.15
Give a man a free house and he'll bust out the windows
Put his family on food stamps, now he's a big spender
No food on the table and the bills ain't paid
'cause he spent it on cigarettes and PGA
They'll turn us all into beggars 'cause they're easier to please
They’re feeding our people that government cheese
It's the man in the White House, the man under the steeple
Passing out drugs to the American people.

		Bob Walkenhorst

2006.11.01

Halpin’ Out Wear I Can

They say humor is a sign of higher cognitive ability – both in the authoring and the understanding of humor. John Kerry’s “botched joke”, something Sen. Starch-n-Stiff has done repeatedly, implies a diminished cognitive ability. Our troops, on the other hand, the very troops Kerry so much as called losers, slackers, morons and idiots…well…what can I say but “Cheers” to our military, higher cognitive ability and all:

Troop Message to Kerry

[Edit History]

2006.11.01

Ooooops. Left out the credit for the picture. The furtherest upstream I could track the picture’s origin is Charlie Sykes. Don’t know who the troops are or where they are from, but I would surely like to give them the final credit.

2006.11.02

The Source! (H/T Michelle Malkin) They’re soldiers from the Minnesota National Guard.

2006.10.12

Respect This [Gesture]!

Uh oh. Looks like Ann Althouse is done for, what with stirring up a ruckus about UW’s Think.Respect propaganda beat them until they are kind Freedom for Warm Fuzzies program. The crack Java Zen Table, Desk and Counter Intelligence Team has intercepted a “bias-related incident form” on its way to the UW’s Office of Central Coercion.

Guess I should feel good that my alma mater only has to deal with the likes of Ward Churchill.

Offices of the Dean of Students
Student Advocacy and Judicial Affairs (SAJA)
Bias Incident Reporting Form

A bias incident is a threat or act of bigotry, harassment or intimidation – verbal, written or
physical – that is personally directed against or targets a University of Wisconsin-
Madison student because of that student’s race, age, gender identity or expression,
disability, national or ethnic origin, political affiliation, religion, sex (including pregnancy),
sexual orientation, or veteran status.

Please include as much information as possible. Incomplete or inaccurate information will delay
processing of this report and may compromise our ability to quickly and effectively respond to this report.

Description of incident (attach separate sheet if necessary):

Reply 1

Area where incident occurred (please provide as much detail as possible):

Reply 2

Date and time of incident:

Reply 3

Victim name(s), if known (please indicate if victim is a UW-Madison student):

Reply 4

Your name, e-mail address, and phone number:

Reply 5

Would you like a SAJA staff member to contact you? ____ yes ____ no

Reply 6

Thank you for taking the time to submit this report and helping to improve campus climate at UW-
Madison. All reports will be reviewed in a timely manner. If you would like to provide further information or
speak with a SAJA staff member about this incident, please call (608) 263-5700.

Please submit this report via campus or US mail to: SAJA
75 Bascom Hall
500 Lincoln Drive
Madison, WI 53706

2006.09.21

The Tin Foil Brain

This from Swiss researchers, so you know it’s accurate:

Stimulating a certain area of the brain can produce a creepy feeling that someone is watching you when no one is, scientists said Wednesday.

Swiss researchers made the discovery while evaluating a young woman for surgery to treat epilepsy. They believe their finding could help explain feelings such as paranoia which afflict patients suffering from schizophrenia.

When they electrically stimulated the left temporoparietal junction in her brain, which is linked to self-other distinction and self-processing, she thought someone was standing behind her.

If they repeated the stimulus while she leaned forward and grabbed her knees she had an unpleasant sensation that the shadowy figure was embracing her.

“Our findings may be a step toward understanding the mechanisms behind psychiatric manifestations such as paranoia, persecution and alien control,” said Olaf Blanke, of the Ecole Polytechnique Federale de Lausanne, in the journal Nature.

The left side of the brain. Hmmmmmmmm. We can only hope that someday appropriate medication will help.

[Edit History]

2006.09.23

Added link to original article.

2006.08.28

Fake But Accurate News: Alternative Science Community Protests Loss Of Planet Pluto

On August 24, 2006, the International Astronomical Union ratified a resolution that resulted in Pluto being reclassified as a dwarf planet. The decision was immediately contested by the alternative science community.

Sascha Boolkarinski, psychic, Ouija board expert and Edgar Cayce scholar complained “They should have given us warning about this change. What do we pay taxes for? How were we supposed to see this coming?”

Madam Bimpka, astrologer, angrily protested the change. “Don’t they understand the impact of removing a planet and how that will upset the astrological houses? Do they realize how many homeless people they’ve created? Thoughtless. That’s all. They’re just thoughtless bastards.” Ms. Bimpka’s empathy for the diminutive planet was also on her mind as she sobbed, “‘Dwarf’ Planet?!? ‘Dwarf’! Have they no heart for the ‘Little Planets’?”

Bart Burt, Ph.D, Ph.D, Ph.D, Ph.D, of the Tesla Institute of Labs remarked, “I don’t understand their problem. They invent most everything else. Tacking a bit of real science on their epistemology is a bit out of place. Sort of like what morticians do to make dead people look more alive. They might as well keep Pluto as a planet in their little world. While they’re at it, add a 10th planet and upgrade to a metric astrology system.”

Psychically transmitted remote messages to both JZ Knight and Shirley MacLaine requesting comments were not returned.

2006.08.27

Cow Town Redux

I remember back in the early 1970’s, as part of the opening ceremonies to the National Western Stock Show and Rodeo every January, promoters would drive a small herd of cattle down 17th Street in downtown Denver. For those who don’t know, 17th Street is the heart of the business district in Denver. At least, that’s where all the banks are. Eventually this was done away with as it was felt this projected the wrong image, at least according to those seeking to “elevate” Colorado to Blue State status. They didn’t want to be living in no gall dang (spit) cow town. No sir. Git along little dowgies. Git.

Well, they’re back. After my morning cups of joe at The Market, I walked amongst the herd of properly sanitized and stylized she bovine. Let’s start here…

Cow 01

Yes, ladies and gentleman. Doesn’t she look stellar? Graced with green leggings and city scraps, this little lady is dressed to carry you off to sleep and into your worst nightmares. But move over missie, for daylight, she’s a comin’.

Cow 02

I hate it when the omen for the kind of day I’m going to have is a pink streaked cow. Looks like is going to be one of those pepto-bismol days.

Cow 03

This one is wearing a much loved sweater I had as a kid. So that’s where it went. Hey, my parents told me it ran away!

Cow 04

In need of a few antibiotics, it seems. Maybe something in a convenient hose on dosage. (I didn’t touch this one.)

Cow 05

Nothing to see here. Moooove along now. (Just a little freaky.)

Cow 06

Well, we know which are the recessive and which are the dominant genes. Time to close the book on that particular experiment.

Cow 07

That’s just not right. There ought to be federal legislation against putting cows in grass skirts.

Cow 08

Ouch. Occasionally known as the Denver Donkeys (during bad seasons), the Denver Cows is about as docile as you can get. Even the Denver Pigs would be better. At least pigs know how to be mean on occasion.

There you have it. Denver. Cow Town Redux.

[Edit History]

2006.08.27

Edited for clarity.

2006.008.31

Added link to The Market.

2006.08.22

Jacqueline Passey

Because being a self-professed genius means never having to soil your self with those messy rules of grammar…

Also, before anyone feels bad that I felt harassed by their attention, I want to clarify that it wasn’t any one person’s behavior that has made me this uncomfortable, rather it’s the cumulative effect of being simultaneously aggressively pursued by several men who I don’t have reciprocal feelings for. — Jacqueline Passey

Eeek. It’s the cumulative effect of that sentence that leaves me uncomfortable. That feeling is set to rights knowing I fail the date criteria, what with believing in a poverty stricken libertarian God and all. Whew! Judging by her criteria, I’d say she’s looking for herself, anyway. Follow your bliss, kid, and good luck.

[Notice of Full Disclosure: This post is an experiment. After all, what is the Internet if it isn’t one giant sociological Petri dish.]

2006.07.24

Heil Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…

Yet another reason to be suspicious of cats: Kitlers. There’s lots of them and they have fans! Even so, its been 14 years since we had to put our kitty, Jerome, down and I still miss that purr.

2006.07.21

Operation Mag-Neato Update

Coolness.

   
 

Doc Lee Letter

Are you doing your part?

2006.06.20

Coffee For Dead People

God bless Folger’s coffee. Two pots a day of their magic elixir got me through undergraduate biochemistry. But this? Did Folger’s actually make this commercial? The Anchoress may be speechless, but I’ve got something to say.

folgers1.jpg

“You can sleep when you are dead”? E-gads. This commercial made me wish I was dead. At least now we know what happens when the Teletubbies go on slim-fast and procreate.

folgers2.jpg

“Tolerate Mornings”? What an enticement. How about “endure chocolate” or “put up with clean water”? This looks to be the kind of effort from people who have never actually had a cup of coffee – sort of like me making a commercial for childbirth. I could do it, but it would be wrong. Note to Folger’s Marketing Department: Wake up and smell some better coffee. Watch the whole thing here:

[Edit History]

2006.06.20 – Oh, no, Mr. Bill! They have an official Tolerate Mornings web site along with a better video clip – click on the little television after the Flash introduction.

Operation Mag-Neato

It’s simple, just do what the Sergeant says:

Mail any and all refrigerator magnets (the tackier the better,naturally) to me, Sargeant Lee at:

Dr. Darren Lee
Attn: PSYOP
TF-3-187
FOB Brassfield Mora
APO AE 09349

Here’s the one I sent (Iraq is a dangerous place and information is power.):

Operation Mag-Neato - JZ-TOL

Read all about it here, here and here. And more here.

[Edit History]

2006.07.11 – Looks like the address has changed. The address above is the latest one as of this date. Alas, I haven’t spied my contribution.

2006.07.20 – New address again. Visit Doc. Lee’s web site to be sure you have the latest address. It’s looking pretty.

2006.06.16

Fake But Accurate News: More Zarqster Un-safehouse Documents and Items

Secret, covert and High Ranking Officials who wished to remain anonymous stealthily descended on the JZ:TOL campus via Black Helicopters this morning (Guys, next time do this at night so the neighbors don’t notice.) and revealed some of the details surrounding additional documents and items found after the Zarqster met his maker (Who knew Allah looked like a 500 lb. smart bomb?) Among these items:

  • A personal diary with fuzzy pink covers and sequin hearts pasted on the spine. The diary, unfortunately, is locked with a tinsy, tiny padlock and the key was not recovered after the raid. Elite CIA safe crackers and code breakers are currently working around the clock in an effort to breach this hitherto unknown security device.

  • A “To Jihad List” which included, among others, the following items:

    • Milk, Peanuts and Soy Sauce with MSG

    • That neighbor with the incessantly barking dog

    • The Moon

    • All clothes that are not black

    • Iceland

  • A cell phone with Paris Hilton’s phone number on speed dial (This may or may not mean anything. After all, my cell phone came with Paris’ number pre-configured for speed dial.)

  • A copy of “Jihadi Illustrated” – the swim suit edition.

  • Instructions for how to properly carve up a hostage for holiday presentation and intimate sleeper cell gatherings, including tasteful garnish suggestions.

  • Several trunks of collector’s quality GI Joe dolls.

  • A dozen bottles of extra-strength headache medicine.

I have the impression there was more to reveal, but the Home Owner’s Association Covenant Enforcement Committee had already flagged the helicopters as a violation so I had to ask the informants to leave.

2006.06.10

Fake But Accurate News: Whitehouse Press Briefing

[Ed. The following are a couple of snippets from the latest press briefing by White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, on the recent demise of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. A US military general was also available for questions. In attendance were terrorist operatives reporters from various Main Stream Media organizations.]

…..

Reporter: General, were the photos of the allegedly deceased Abu Musab al-Zarqawi “Photoshopped” prior to presenting them to the press?

General: “Photoshopped?” What’s that? I don’t understand what you’re asking. Do you mean did we have the film developed at a MotoPhoto? No.

Reporter: General, how do you explain the fact freedom fighter Abu Musab al-Zarqawi survived the blast from not just one, but two 500 pound IED’s?

General: First of all, the ordnance used in this operation were not “Improvised Explosive Devices,” or “IED’s,” rather very sophisticated weapons delivered with laser precision by highly trained and competent professionals. IED’s are the weapon of choice with the terrorist organizations and have killed and injured many of our brave soldiers as well as a great many more innocent Iraqi civilians. And as far as Zarqawi’s having survived the blasts, all I can say he was lucky.

Reporter: Can you elaborate on the “Conspiracy of Luck” which you just made reference to?

General: Ahhhhh…

…..

Reporter 1: Is there any truth to the rumor that His Eminence Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was robbed by elite US combat soldiers just before he died?

Snow: No truth. Rumors? I thought you guys were professionals and dealt with facts and stuff.

Reporter 2: So, for the record, are you not saying these rumors are unsubstantiated non-truths or are you not saying they are likely un-truths pending Congressman Murtha’s investigation?

Snow: Ummm…

Reporter 3: How do you explain the growing reports which claim Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Benevolent, was robbed by US military personnel as he lay on his death bed?

Snow: “Reports?” Because two reporters asked about a goofy rumor that makes it a report? I think I got off the elevator on the wrong floor.

Reporter 4: Is there any truth to the rumor that the Exalted Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was sexually abused by elite US combat soldiers just before he died?

Snow: I think I’m in the wrong building.

Reporter 5: Are you claiming these atrocities wouldn’t be true if they had actually happened?

Snow: Excuse me. I just remembered I have a dental appointment for a root canal.

Reporter 6: Are there any more rumors you care to neither confirm nor deny?

2006.06.09

Picking Up The Politics

Too funny, puns-a-plenty and double entendre galore. Since for as long as I’ve owned dogs, my euphemism for the chore of picking up the poop in the backyard has been “cleaning up the politics.” Well today, the Rocky Mountain News and the Denver Post report that Kathleen Yvonne Ensz, a former professor of French at the University of Northern Colorado and a Democrat, was cited for dropping dog feces through a mail slot of U.S. Republican Representative Marilyn Musgrave’s Greeley office. Apparently, Ms. Ensz has the same mind set to “cleaning up the politics” in the backyard. Except for me, its a euphemism. For Ms. Ensz, its a waste of good material and call to action. And this bit of news happening in my own backyard!

2006.03.26

Seismic Beer Events

Busted Beer
Busted Beer

Well, here’s a first which puts me in with a part of home brewing tradition and folklore I’d rather not be noted for having achieved. Exploding beer bottles – Yikes! (Hmmmmm. “Exploding Beer Bottles” would be an excellent name for a band.)

Back in the day, prohibition that is, the goal was to make alcohol. Brewing beer was the easiest and fastest way to do that. Stories abound of beer bottles exploding like popcorn in cellars, the result of covert brewmeistering in clandestine operations. In those dark times the knowledge for how to brew beer was, shall we say, an oral tradition passed down by anyone who managed to collect an audience. Inconsistent strains of yeast better suited for baking bread than brewing beer were used. Quality and environment control were at the mercy of the brewmeister’s patience. No one engaged in this practice had a biochemistry degree to help them through the subtleties of dealing with temperamental strains of yeast.

So what’s my excuse? I have a biochemistry degree. Actually, I have two of the darn things. Plus over 20 years of home brewing experience. Hard to say. That the bottles are uniformly over carbonated doesn’t suggest a poor distribution of priming sugar. A review of the notes by both my brew partner, Chris, and myself doesn’t reveal anything unusual. We certainly gave both the primary and secondary fermentation steps plenty of time, even for a stout. Me thinks a problem with the yeast. Something to follow up on with the yeast supplier.

But then, there is the potential terrorist angle. However mind bogglingly impossible the odds and chances that al-Qaeda, the Talibandidos or the Middle of the Road Progressive Isolationist Weekend Radicals had a hand in this, I would be remiss if this possibility wasn’t chased up every possible tree. Because one of those trees just might possibly potentially happen to be the right one to bark up at. I will, of course, need DHS money to follow these leads and fund multiple batches of decoy beer in order to bag the bastards. Neither can I dismiss the real possibility this is yet another strike of George Bush’s International Conspiracy to inconvenience me. I suppose a true Patriot would stay awake at night with a baseball bat guarding his beer against these threats. That or lobby for a law to guarantee Constitutional protection for my beer. Yeah, that will do it. Than I can sleep at night knowing there is a law to protect my beer.

Ah, well. This will all make more sense after I’ve kicked back and enjoyed a couple of home brews. Actually, for security reasons, I had better enjoy this batch as soon as possible. For now all the bottles from this batch are safely stashed in the refrigerator. Putting the chill on the yeast should stop any further pressure buildup and if any of the bugs decide to blow the frig should serve as an adequate blast container. Certainly better than the spare bedroom closet. What a mess.

2006.03.16

Taking the “e” Out of e-Commerce

These good people deserve a plug for making me laugh. I’d ordered several Zoe Keating CD’s and this is the e-receipt that was sent. Normally I barely glance at these things, but this one managed to make the transaction a little less electronic.

Thanks for your order with CD Baby!

Your CDs have been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CDs and polished them to make
sure they were in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CDs into the finest gold-lined box that
money can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Monday, March 13th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby.  We sure did. 
Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year".  We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you once again,

Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby
the little CD store with the best new independent music
phone: 1-800-448-6369  email: cdbaby@cdbaby.com
http://cdbaby.com

This is also where you can find the excellent tunes from David M. Bailey.


All content copyright © 1994 - Gregory Paul Engel, All Rights Reserved. The content or any portion thereof from this web site may not be reproduced in any form whatsoever without the written consent of Gregory Paul Engel. Queries may be sent to greg dot engel at javazen dot com.

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