Java Zen:Thinking Out Loud Thursday, 2017.04.27
I Answered All My Spam 

I never know what I might find,
on any day I go online. 
I used to get in quite a huff, 
while wading through unwanted stuff. 
But then I changed the man I am, 
the day I answered all my spam. 

Now every time I check my box, 
I load up on fantastic stocks. 
I'll gladly say I felt no loss, 
when, with a smile, I fired my boss. 
With just one click, the best thing yet, 
I freed myself of all my debt. 

I have, paying a few small fees, 
ten university degrees. 
Now that I'm losing all this weight, 
I'm sure, someday, I'll get a date. 
Instead of going to a show, 
I spy on everyone I know. 
(That's easy, since I have in hand,
this nifty wireless video cam.) 

I spend my evenings viewing screens,
of barely legal horny teens. 
And with a little credit charge,
Whoopee! My penis was enlarged! 
Meanwhile these shots of Britney Spears
should be enough to last for years. 

And so I lead this online life, 
my monitor is now my wife. 
It has become my greatest dream, 
to launch my own get-rich-quick scheme. 
And if you think you might get missed, 
relax, you're on my e-mail list. 

by Alex Silbajoris, Columbus, Ohio 
2001 Freestyle Winner
Satirewire's 2nd Annual Poetry Spam


Deadline? We don’t need no stinkin’ deadlines!

A collections of stories, etc., is on todays’ menu. Nothing like a cancelled project to free up a bit of time. All that deadline pressure up in smoke. Or was it just replace with frustration? Or is that post project depression? Or… Whatever. I wonder if anyone will hear me pop the cork on this bottle of wine here in my cube?

Server 54, Where Are You?

This item is from the 04/09/01 edition of TechWeb News :

The University of North Carolina has finally found a network server that, although missing for four years, hasn’t missed a packet in all that time. Try as they might, university administrators couldn’t find the server. Working with Novell Inc., IT workers tracked it down by meticulously following cable until they literally ran into a wall. The server had been mistakenly sealed behind drywall by maintenance workers.

[Ed. I’m curious what the operating system was running on that box. Two bits says it wasn’t Windows. Microsoft’s license would have brought the thing down long before the 4 year mark.]

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And – the eyesight to tell the difference.

What aging has taught me:

1) I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2) My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3) I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4) Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

5) All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6) If all is not lost, where is it?

7) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8) I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…

9) It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

10) Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

11) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

12) When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

13) It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

14) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

15) These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.