Odd thing happened on the way to work. I was accosted by several individuals – either smallish males or bulky females, couldn’t tell really – wearing dark aviator glasses, camel hair trench coats and wide brimmed safari style hats. They were welding fresh, extra hot lattÃ©s and threatened to douse me with them if I didn’t meet their demands.
Sizing them up, I figured I could pummel the soy foam out of the lot of them even if they were bulky females. But I thought, “Why waste a half dozen perfectly good lattÃ©s?” So, I said, “Let’s hear it. Whadayawant?”
“We need a spokesperson.”, chimed a spooky androgynous voice. “Please”, said another.
“What are you selling?”, I asked.
“Nothing. We need a spokesperson for our country.”
Twenty some years of martial arts training and a sandan rank in Aikido tuned my mind for facing all sorts of dangers – weapons, tempers, politics, Paris Hilton. But it never prepared me for this attack. Here, I was being threatened with a job.
What could I do? I did what any normal, untrained person would do. I panicked and said “Ok, sure.”
The steely cold silence that followed was refreshing.
“You chose wisely,” said spooky androgynous voice as a piece of paper was pushed at me. “Post this”, was the directive with a “Please” voiced by one of the lieutenants. “There will be more,” was the parting comment as the camel haired lattÃ© mob scattered like so many coffee beans dropped on a tile floor.
Who am I to dissuade anyone’s attempt at nation building. It’s a sport so popular, even our nation’s President has fielded his own team of nation builders. So here’s my first press release as spokesperson for the new nation of Tapioca Utopia…
Proclamation: We hereby declare the creation and existence of a new country that shall be known as Tapioca Utopia.
Location: Currently, Tapioca Utopia is positioned approximately 2,000 meters above international waters off the coast of Kauai, Hawai’i.
Flag: The Shirt Off Your Back
Currency: Tree Bark – Let it be declared that money does grow on trees.
State Religion: Atheism, or maybe Frisbeetarianism (the belief that when you die your soul goes to the top of the garage and stays there for eternity. Believers live in fear of the coming of the great god Whamo.)
- Military buildup can only consist of things that can be purchased at an office supply store – paperclip missiles, staplers, spit wads, rubber bands, etc.
- Red states are illegal. Blue states are illegal. All states shall be purple.