Java Zen:Thinking Out Loud Sunday, 2022.07.03
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

		Murphy

2007.02.19

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…

Cheetahs Maul Woman to Death at Zoo in Belgium

Karen Aerts, 37, of Antwerp, was found dead in the cage, Olmense Zoo spokesman Jan Libot said. Police said they ruled out any foul play.

Authorities believe Aerts, a regular visitor to the zoo, hid in the park late Sunday until it closed and managed to find the keys to the cheetah cage.

“Karen loved animals. Unfortunately the cheetahs betrayed her trust,” Libot said.

One of the cats that killed Aerts was named Bongo, whom the woman had adopted under a special program. She paid for Bongo’s food, Libot said.

I’d say so. In this case, she paid with her life. Do you suppose that Darwin fellow was on to something? Or was it species profiling by the cheetahs?

Seriously, when people expect animals to behave as refined human beings and interact with them based on that fatally flawed assumption, there should be no surprise when the animal dispatches that belief to the bone yard. What was this woman thinking? That the cheetahs would recognize her and purr thankfully for hours, lulling her to sleep that night? Instead of recognizing her as the food lady, they recognized the lady as food.

(H/T: Tim Blair)

2007.02.12

Ingredients For Disaster

As the saying goes, “Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.”

The Instapundit is recommending a couple of books on preparing meals in situations where you may have lost power:

Both look pretty useful. And they combine two InstaPundit interests — cooking, and disaster preparedness.

In my house, we’ve learned to do the disaster preparedness first as there is the all too real possibility it may be needed as a result of the cooking. Of course, now that the EPA has required I file the necessary paperwork prior to the implementation of any new culinary endeavors and the DoD has confiscated most of my college era recipes, the disaster part is far less frequent than it used to be.

[Edit History]

2007.02.14

Ha! I was talking about electrical power. If you’ve lost some other kind of power or otherwise fallen into some sort of decline, well, then get some Primal Shrug Therapy, a can opener and just deal with it.

2007.01.25

Sponges Who Use Sponges

Bold prediction: There will soon be warning labels on sponges. Why? Just examine the evidence:

[A] study that found microwave ovens can be used to sterilize kitchen sponges sent people hurrying to test the idea this week — with sometimes disastrous results.

But several experimenters evidently left out the crucial step of wetting the sponge.

“Just wanted you to know that your article on microwaving sponges and scrubbers aroused my interest. However, when I put my sponge/scrubber into the microwave, it caught fire, smoked up the house, ruined my microwave, and pissed me off,” one correspondent wrote.

Maybe there should be a law that says you have to be smarter than a sponge to use a sponge.

(H/T Slashdot)

2006.12.23

Traveling Monkeys

The TSA has rules for handling monkeys. (H/T Bruce Schneier) Hay, I’m a monkey! Or a primate, anyway. Pay attention TSO-types:

  • TSOs have been trained to not touch the monkey during the screening process.

But I want to know, when is the humiliation going to stop?

  • The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection.

Yet another reason to dislike air travel.

2006.12.17

It’s All About You, But You Knew That, Didn’t You?

Time Magazine’s Person of the Year: You

So, since “You” are the Person of the Year that makes “Everyone” the Person of the Year which makes “No One” Person of the Year. So just chill and get back to work. You’re not so special after all. Now, “Me”, on the other hand…

UPDATE!

Once again, the crack Java Zen Table, Desk and Counter Intelligence Teams have intercepted crucial documents. This time, it’s the early candidates for Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Here’s the finalist…

POTY Final

… and here are the candidate personal pronouns:

POTY Draft 2 POTY Draft 1
POTY Draft 3 POTY Draft 4

[Edit History]

2006.12.17

Tim Blair has sussed a slight conceptual problem with Time magazine’s selection for Person of the Year.

2006.12.07

What’s The Matter With Security?

The TSA has already banned one state of matter in the interests of better airline security. What a pain it has been to dehydrate your person so as to secure a seat in an uncomfortable lawn chair inside an aluminum tube squirting old dinosaurs out the back. Alas, I can hear the TSA bureaucrat scribes busily scribbling the next policy change to ban gases:

An American Airlines flight has made an emergency landing after a passenger with severe gas problems struck matches to mask the odour of flatulence.

Dehydrated passengers will henceforth no longer be permitted to breathe for the duration of the flight as all bodily orifices must be surgically sealed before boarding. I predict, soon, carbon atoms will be banned from passenger airline flights. Now those would be safe flights indeed.

2006.11.03

Still Not My Job

Not My Job II

Heh. Not sure where this picture originates from either. Although some sleuthing on the matter can be found here.

2006.11.02

Not My Job

I don’t know from where this picture originated, but it needs a caption. Something like, “Not My Job – When you absolutely, positively have to rise to the bare minimum.”

Not My Job

2006.09.21

The Tin Foil Brain

This from Swiss researchers, so you know it’s accurate:

Stimulating a certain area of the brain can produce a creepy feeling that someone is watching you when no one is, scientists said Wednesday.

Swiss researchers made the discovery while evaluating a young woman for surgery to treat epilepsy. They believe their finding could help explain feelings such as paranoia which afflict patients suffering from schizophrenia.

When they electrically stimulated the left temporoparietal junction in her brain, which is linked to self-other distinction and self-processing, she thought someone was standing behind her.

If they repeated the stimulus while she leaned forward and grabbed her knees she had an unpleasant sensation that the shadowy figure was embracing her.

“Our findings may be a step toward understanding the mechanisms behind psychiatric manifestations such as paranoia, persecution and alien control,” said Olaf Blanke, of the Ecole Polytechnique Federale de Lausanne, in the journal Nature.

The left side of the brain. Hmmmmmmmm. We can only hope that someday appropriate medication will help.

[Edit History]

2006.09.23

Added link to original article.

2006.08.28

Fake But Accurate News: Alternative Science Community Protests Loss Of Planet Pluto

On August 24, 2006, the International Astronomical Union ratified a resolution that resulted in Pluto being reclassified as a dwarf planet. The decision was immediately contested by the alternative science community.

Sascha Boolkarinski, psychic, Ouija board expert and Edgar Cayce scholar complained “They should have given us warning about this change. What do we pay taxes for? How were we supposed to see this coming?”

Madam Bimpka, astrologer, angrily protested the change. “Don’t they understand the impact of removing a planet and how that will upset the astrological houses? Do they realize how many homeless people they’ve created? Thoughtless. That’s all. They’re just thoughtless bastards.” Ms. Bimpka’s empathy for the diminutive planet was also on her mind as she sobbed, “‘Dwarf’ Planet?!? ‘Dwarf’! Have they no heart for the ‘Little Planets’?”

Bart Burt, Ph.D, Ph.D, Ph.D, Ph.D, of the Tesla Institute of Labs remarked, “I don’t understand their problem. They invent most everything else. Tacking a bit of real science on their epistemology is a bit out of place. Sort of like what morticians do to make dead people look more alive. They might as well keep Pluto as a planet in their little world. While they’re at it, add a 10th planet and upgrade to a metric astrology system.”

Psychically transmitted remote messages to both JZ Knight and Shirley MacLaine requesting comments were not returned.

2006.08.27

Cow Town Redux

I remember back in the early 1970’s, as part of the opening ceremonies to the National Western Stock Show and Rodeo every January, promoters would drive a small herd of cattle down 17th Street in downtown Denver. For those who don’t know, 17th Street is the heart of the business district in Denver. At least, that’s where all the banks are. Eventually this was done away with as it was felt this projected the wrong image, at least according to those seeking to “elevate” Colorado to Blue State status. They didn’t want to be living in no gall dang (spit) cow town. No sir. Git along little dowgies. Git.

Well, they’re back. After my morning cups of joe at The Market, I walked amongst the herd of properly sanitized and stylized she bovine. Let’s start here…

Cow 01

Yes, ladies and gentleman. Doesn’t she look stellar? Graced with green leggings and city scraps, this little lady is dressed to carry you off to sleep and into your worst nightmares. But move over missie, for daylight, she’s a comin’.

Cow 02

I hate it when the omen for the kind of day I’m going to have is a pink streaked cow. Looks like is going to be one of those pepto-bismol days.

Cow 03

This one is wearing a much loved sweater I had as a kid. So that’s where it went. Hey, my parents told me it ran away!

Cow 04

In need of a few antibiotics, it seems. Maybe something in a convenient hose on dosage. (I didn’t touch this one.)

Cow 05

Nothing to see here. Moooove along now. (Just a little freaky.)

Cow 06

Well, we know which are the recessive and which are the dominant genes. Time to close the book on that particular experiment.

Cow 07

That’s just not right. There ought to be federal legislation against putting cows in grass skirts.

Cow 08

Ouch. Occasionally known as the Denver Donkeys (during bad seasons), the Denver Cows is about as docile as you can get. Even the Denver Pigs would be better. At least pigs know how to be mean on occasion.

There you have it. Denver. Cow Town Redux.

[Edit History]

2006.08.27

Edited for clarity.

2006.008.31

Added link to The Market.

2006.07.24

Heil Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…

Yet another reason to be suspicious of cats: Kitlers. There’s lots of them and they have fans! Even so, its been 14 years since we had to put our kitty, Jerome, down and I still miss that purr.

2006.07.21

Operation Mag-Neato Update

Coolness.

   
 

Doc Lee Letter

Are you doing your part?

2006.06.20

Coffee For Dead People

God bless Folger’s coffee. Two pots a day of their magic elixir got me through undergraduate biochemistry. But this? Did Folger’s actually make this commercial? The Anchoress may be speechless, but I’ve got something to say.

folgers1.jpg

“You can sleep when you are dead”? E-gads. This commercial made me wish I was dead. At least now we know what happens when the Teletubbies go on slim-fast and procreate.

folgers2.jpg

“Tolerate Mornings”? What an enticement. How about “endure chocolate” or “put up with clean water”? This looks to be the kind of effort from people who have never actually had a cup of coffee – sort of like me making a commercial for childbirth. I could do it, but it would be wrong. Note to Folger’s Marketing Department: Wake up and smell some better coffee. Watch the whole thing here:

[Edit History]

2006.06.20 – Oh, no, Mr. Bill! They have an official Tolerate Mornings web site along with a better video clip – click on the little television after the Flash introduction.

Operation Mag-Neato

It’s simple, just do what the Sergeant says:

Mail any and all refrigerator magnets (the tackier the better,naturally) to me, Sargeant Lee at:

Dr. Darren Lee
Attn: PSYOP
TF-3-187
FOB Brassfield Mora
APO AE 09349

Here’s the one I sent (Iraq is a dangerous place and information is power.):

Operation Mag-Neato - JZ-TOL

Read all about it here, here and here. And more here.

[Edit History]

2006.07.11 – Looks like the address has changed. The address above is the latest one as of this date. Alas, I haven’t spied my contribution.

2006.07.20 – New address again. Visit Doc. Lee’s web site to be sure you have the latest address. It’s looking pretty.


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